As of the past little while I have been, shall I say "out of commission" in terms of the whole relationship front. Besides the usual excuses, such as being busy with looking for employment, band, getting over previous hardships or just being lazy, i have just been uninterested in any sort of relationship. The only relationships would be reforging friendships with old friends, meeting some really great new people and also living my life outside of the gay bubble.

When I was talking to Andy, I realized that I hadn't been in the Church area since the beginning of September. Clubbing? Bars in the area? not really. Meh. :) I was doing more "gay" things when i was in Waterloo, and while I was there I was excited about living closer to everyone and everything. Now that it's here, I have no motivation.

Granted, a rift occurred a few months ago which deterred me from it all, but it definitely wasn't the #1 factor. After spending important time away from it all, i'm pretty much ok with all that now, and i've learned a lot from it... so why am i still unmotivated? I spoke with a friend about it, and he told me it was probably because when I first came out it was really intense, letting it all out. Now that all that is out and done with, it's now just an equal component of ourselves, somewhat similar to straight sexuality. I've been to more regular bars and out meeting some really great people, some gay, some straight some inbetween. I've had no problem with this really, it was just the things i've been doing lately.. Nothin' like helping the boys with girl problems, or even getting checked out by the ladies sometimes! :)

Today, i am happy that my sexuality isn't dominating my entire life, however, there are parts inside that still need to be expressed from time to time. My itch to go out clubbing is now starting to become intolerable, and i've missed out on a few queer events that would have been a great time. As of late, two different people that i've met recently have started to spark that inner sexual side within me again. It's been a few months, and one day suddenly i said "woah. what's that feeling robb? i wonder--- oohhh!".

It has begun again! Life is all about cycles, and i guess after a period of remission, it's back on the increase. These two people whom i've been talking to seem to be not only cool people (similar to the new and old friends i've been hanging out with as of late) but i'm also starting to become sexually attracted to them! It's nothing HUGE, but it's something, which is already encouraging for me. Even if nothing becomes of either of them, at least I had something on the go, and i'm still expressing that side which i have forgot about in the past few months.

So who are these squeezable guys that have sparked my interest? heh, only time will tell. One of them definitely gets my mojo goin' and the other is also quite nice and encouraging as well. Who knows what will happen next.. two things are for sure, and that is: 1) follow your gut and 2) take it slow! I've been a bachelor (not including a few "interactions" from time to time) for so long now that i am totally built my current life on me (job, band, friends). My life isn't dependent on anyone else right now, and although I am ok with altering it, it will take time, a lot of trust and love to do it!

But, as Mr. Carrabba says, "This is easy as lovers go, So don't complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting? ... For so long i've been asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice." ... So i'm not going to sit back and run, i'll start taking chances on these romances.. It must be a sign that i've gone from 0 to 2 interests from under my feet! I've just started to get to know them, and i'm sure one (or none) will emerge from the fold shortly...I'm not about two-timing or anything. Who knows what's in store next! What's the worse that could happen?---

--writing another heartbreak/love song! :)

Take care,

RE

"eat drink and be merry"