OK it's been awhile. I've decided to stay away from here for awhile to focus on some other online things, like my concert website and time sucking facebook!

It's now been about 6 months since the breakup with SBF, and I've been dating. During this part of my life I've gone through a lot of change, yet I feel like I haven't changed. I never realized how much my life was fused with SBF until he was gone. Given the cyclical nature of our calendar year, each month brings reminders of the past. Will it ever end? Perhaps it will take a full year before it stops.

I've (stupidly) tried a few times to reconnect with SBF on some events, but almost every time it was futile, for good reason. It's finally drilled through my heart and head and i will now stop.

Anyway, I've been putting myself out there and was fortunate to meet one nice 'dateable' guy - he had some similar interests in music (!!) and the environment, and he also, by freak coincidence, dances swing. Unfortunately I didn't feel any chemistry between us, and had to cut it off when he wanted more. At first I thought it was because i wasn't ready, but I have come to the realization that it's not that - i'm just not interested in him.

He did not want to talk about it in person, so i had to do it over MSN. How brutal is that?? And he came back with some heavy questions. I'm sorry, but that got me pissed. C'mon now, over MSN? I can't get all i want across over bloody MSN, and lost all physical connection (gestures, etc).

So i did my best. I was actually starting to get into it, when he wrote "i got it." It totally dismissed me, and made me feel like I was repeating myself over and over again. He shut off probably after the first message when i was i wasn't interested.

Brutal. I am never doing shit like this over MSN again.

And what's worse? I want to talk to ex-SBF about it. That's the kicker. It makes no sense. It's wrong and i know he would not give me any support, and it's my friends that are my family and emotional web. It's just another reminder that i still have lots more emotional healing to go!!

-RE