Would I ever become a Wal-Mart mom? Let's say in 10 years and for some reason or another, I've got a kid or 2. Would I become a Wally Mom?

As I was sitting on the TTC the other day, I saw a few very cute little kids and got the usual "warm and fuzzy" feeling b/c they were so adorable. Thoughts then raced into my head as I saw the accompanying Wal-Mart Moms with them. Oh no, is this given? In order to be parent do you have to transform yourself into a super mom, and the Wally qualities accompanying it?"

Let me define what I mean by this and what I’m imagining myself to be; My Top Ten Signs that I have Become a Wal-Mart Mom.

1. I’m wearing free t-shirts from random city hall festivals, corporate events or better I don't even remember where they came from.
   
2. On top of that t-shirt, I’ve got a grey sweatshirt with kid puke stains on the upper left shoulder. You can see the chipping "TORONTO" or "CANADA" + Image of city silkscreen imprint on the front. The shirt is baggy under the arms, and so big on the back that I can be the sail on a boat by pulling the back of my shirt.
   
3. I have aviator or mega-round glasses, which are a little bent from when Tara (my kid) tried to eat it during her teething stage a year ago. It's either that new Malibu Barbie set or my glasses, so it's clear what my priorities are.
   
4. My hair. Gosh, what happened? I've got a shaggy Top Cuts hair cut with old faded highlights. Why use product? Baby shit and product scents just don't mix well together.
   
5. I have replaced my side bag with a behemoth pampers / baby bottle / blanket / everything you'll ever need for any occasion or baby crisis bag. It's mostly full of pampers diapers though, b/c the kids shit and piss a lot when they’re out of the house.

On that note, what's with diapers anyway? They have "product innovations" every freaking 4 months. How about finding a way to make them biodegrade just a tad faster, say LESS THAN 100 YEARS!? It's ironic how we've created a shitting rag that is used for only a few hours, from someone who never even realizes the "innovation" behind the rag, and after disposal takes countless decades just to destroy. Innovation my ass, Proctor and Gamble! (Pun not intended). OK. Back to my list.

6. I am in big debt due to all the childhood expenses, lease and mortgage payments I have to make. That’s OK though, since all my Oprah book club friends (who I suspect are also highly leveraged) think that I am well off.
   
7. Coupons, of course a coupon book! I have my trusty coupon book wherever I go, updated and maintained during my 8 AM Sunday morning flyer & tea time. I also get tonnes of information on the latest door crashers from the shoestring shopper online newsletter. It’s great though because Susan and I take turns lining up at 7 AM for the estee lauder and P&G door crashers.
   
8. As I’m shopping for all my Christmas presents and décor at Wal-Mart, I run into a friend and all I talk about are the kids. “Oh, yesterday when Tara was walking she fell on her head. HAHAHAHAHAHAA” or “I am so tired Susan, I only got 2 hours of sleep!...Yes, I know I told you about this everyday for the past 6 months, but today it’s really bad!” And of course redirect all attempts to change the subject, BACK to the kids: “Oh, you went to the AGO with an old college friend? That’s nice. As I drove by there a few weeks ago Tara was in the funniest mood. She wanted McDonalds but after I saw “not until after we go to the drycleaners” she sobbed and sobbed like her father does when he wants a taste when I’m cooking dinner. It was cute.”
   
9. I think I can take the kids grocery shopping with me. With my right hand I wheel around one kid on the shopping cart; with the left arm I’m carrying the other kid. It’s a tough time when the kids are out of control (sneaking snacks in the cart) especially when I’m angry because it’s pork chop night and the pork shops aren’t on sale like the Loblaws Sunday flyer had told me. What’s worse is that regular Coke products are on sale, but Diet Coke. I’m on a diet, and they’re going to force me take regular coke? Another Wal-Mart mom looks at me with a sympathetic smile as I grasp onto a momentary escape from the everyday - then Tara pukes again on my left shoulder. A nasty sight indeed.
   
10. The sex sucks. Bad. I have to mention this, since we all know a) Frequency and b) Quality of sex is inversely related to kids. I can visualize the pathetic x- and y-axis graph in my head right now. What will it be, may be once a month? Try once a season!!

So those are my top ten signs that I have become a Wal-Mart mom. OKOK, I know I’m exaggerating because I do love kids, but you’ve got to wonder: Is this an inevitable fate for me as it has for many parents in this day and age? Or rather, will I be the King Street never-at-home Finance Father whose function is to pay off the bills and cook streaks on the BBQ?

Rather than stressing about this any further, I have come to a temporary solution to these problems:

I will be the cool uncle or godfather!!

Take care,

RE

“eat drink and be merry”